Both happiness and sadness can be felt together. And with loss comes sadness. The fact that someone was willing to step in and care for them, love them, and raise them as their own fills adoptees with boundless gratitude.
A gratitude that they were placed in safe and loving homes. Whether subconsciously or consciously, adult adoptees feel anger towards their birth parents. Adoptees are angry that they find it difficult to articulate their feelings. Angry that they do not know their truth or identity.
Loved and lonely — the majority of adult adoptees feel or have felt this combination of emotions at some point in their lives. They grew up feeling loved by their adoptive families. But, no matter how hard their adoptive parents strive to love them boundlessly, erase their hurt, and offer them the best lives possible as children, feelings of loneliness were formed. Growing up, many adoptees find it difficult to express the hurt and loss they feel, for fear of upsetting their adoptive parents.
While this emotional withholding is unintentional, it creates feelings of isolation. Feelings that often continue into adulthood. Sometimes, love and loneliness go hand in hand. One of the hardest struggles that adoptees face is being told how to feel. Adoption Choices of Colorado encourages you to think twice before making assumptions.
For more information on adoption please contact Adoption Choices of Colorado. We can be reached via our website or phone Adoption Choices, Inc. We understand that expenses keep clients from fulfilling their dreams. Both with birth parents making a plan for adoption, and with adoptive parents growing their family. It is our mission to provide financial assistance through grants and scholarships, awarded annually in November, in honor of National Adoption Month.
Funds assist adoptive parents with matching and placements, adoption finalization and helping birth mothers improve their lives through higher education — and much more. Please read up on our programs and donate money where you are able. Your donation will make a huge impact. Patience Bramlett , a University of Southern Mississippi news editorial graduate, is a seasoned and award-winning freelance writer.
She is also a passionate reader, whose only wish is to live life without fear of the unknown. Her motivation and inspiration to live her best life stems from the words of John Lennon:. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Fueled by her love of family, she hopes to educate those looking to grow their families through adoption. Arias, Jessenia. You Bet I Am! Davenport, Dawn.
Morey, Glenn. You must be logged in to post a comment. Directions to Office. We are operating full service during this time and will not be shutting down operations; please let us know how we can help!
The State of Colorado requires 16 hours of face-to face training for all families adopting domestically. We require that this is completed prior to the placement of a child in your home.
The Agency offers these trainings once a month. Please contact us for more information and to reserve your spot in a class. Nicole is thrilled to transition into the Paralegal role within the Adoption Choices team! With pervious adoption experience she understands the importance of working with people in a more intimate capacity.
It takes all members of the triad to help assist with a positive adoption experience on all ends—both Expecting Parents and Hopeful Adoptive Parents.
Nicole is a Chicago Native and just relocated out to Colorado in February Outside of work, she enjoys, traveling as much as possible, attending concerts, cheering on her Chicago sports teams, hiking and enjoying the views of the beautiful Colorado Rockies. Nicole aspires to always be hands on and helping in any way that she can, by creating a supportive environment for others around her. Her love for adoption began in first grade when she made friends with twins adopted from Vietnam. As an adopted person, I believe that every single day of my life was planned before any one of them ever came to be.
How can I deny the fact that He was creating me in the womb? And, that He knew me before birth? Jeremiah 1. He is a sovereign God, which means He will do anything and everything to bring glory to Himself and good to those who love Him. Another source of hatred could be at adoptive moms. Adoptees may just hate you for who you are and consider you an enemy.
I considered mom my number-one enemy and did everything possible to hurt her. Do they hate their adoptive moms? The hurt for the adopted child is examined in the last post of this blog.
Please take time to read it? Hurting can lead to jealousy—I can certainly attest to that. When I was preparing to graduate from high school, I really liked the dress that a girl named Pam wore for her senior pictures. Maybe if I put her clothes on me, I would be pretty and popular like her? I not only borrowed the dress but got my hair cut in a pixie, like hers.
Unfortunately, nothing worked. And so, moms, this concludes the five faces of adoptee anger. This was quite a heavy read.
Offer an anger assessment tool to your child. You may need to take it, too, moms. This is really an act of self-care. Here are some symptoms of anger. I know of one family whose kids made it the picture on their Iphone screens. Pinterest is also a good source. This concludes our discussion on the seven faces of anger. We can look forward to this in the next post. Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.
Email Address. November 12, Sherrie Eldridge, Adoption Author. Separating Love from Hurt Many adoptees, and rightly so, love their adoptive parents and in many cases, their first parents. The Five Faces of Anger The following categories are the five faces of anger. Misplaced to Confused Anger is a common reaction to being hurt.
PS—Is it any wonder adoptees are confused about their anger? The next face of adoptee anger is sad to depressed. Sad to Depressed Anger is often connected to another emotion, such as sadness or fear.
No, depression can take your life. The next face of anger is rage to furious. Rage to Furious Many adoptees and foster kids are so wounded that their rage is acted out in violent ways. Jeremiah 1 He is a sovereign God, which means He will do anything and everything to bring glory to Himself and good to those who love Him.
Enough about hate. Now, on to jealousy. Hurt to Jealous The hurt for the adopted child is examined in the last post of this blog. What Moms Can Do Offer an anger assessment tool to your child. In speaking with the family of the dead GI, and actually paying for their DNA tests, we concluded my father was the person named by my mother.
Her stepson told me she was a monster, that I was so lucky to have missed the torment he received. DNA tests, led to a 1st cousin who also said my mother, her aunt was a monster. This happened while my mother and I were meeting, and my grandmother was literally 40 minutes from my house, abandoned! My first cousin on the opposite coast had to claim the body and pay for a funeral because my birth mother refused to have any contact with anyone regarding her mother or settling her estate after death.
Are some of the problems we are experiencing as a result of the Mortal Wound, also exacerbated by genetic mental or emotional deficiencies of our birth parents? Are we more susceptible genetically in many cases also?
My adopted family was pretty unstable due to a violent father who beat and verbally humiliated my adopted mother regularly. He was an open philanderer and had started an affair with young gold digger that had much of his attention.
My adopted mother and I were literally in his way for the life he wanted. When I was 16, my adopted mother whom I loved and worried for constantly was found shot to death in the passenger seat of her car on a dirt path that joined our subdivision. I moved in with my aunt and her family at age 16 and he went to another state with the mistress, I assume because he had barely escaped a murder charge and wanted to keep a low profile.
Money was never an issue, my adopted father was very successful in business, but all of this violence after the adoption really has made a mess of me as a human. Today is Thanksgiving for example, my wife and son are eating elsewhere as I sit at home alone, another holiday that I opted out of to be totally alone except dogs.
Much sympathy for those whose life has been turned upside down by this very real phenomenon of the mortal wound. This is helpful information, and myself had really only began digging into this a few years ago after a lifetime of struggle. I am 40, adopted at 6 months after a brief foster family. Raised in a comfortable middle class christian family. I was told since I could remember I was adopted, but was always loved and supported by them.
I suffered lots of bullying growing up, was very sensitive, needy, and emotional, and was in and out of therapy. I never fit in, was always last picked, ostracized, which pushed me into more of an oppositional mode of being. Once I moved away from my incredibly repressive home town things got a little better.
I have had many friends, and social groups have coagulated around me for one reason or another, but even with that, I always have felt outside and not a part of any group or tribe if you will. I have a deep suspicion and even fear of large groups and group ideologies, whether it be religious, political, national, racial, or cultural.
Rather than having a loss of identity, it has made me a fiercely independent thinker. I was encouraged from my adoptive parents to seek out my birth family in my early 20s. I have always wanted to find out about them, but became less interested once in college and distracted with social life.
I did meet them through a mediated meeting with the department of HR, as it was through the state. They were still together and I had 2 siblings, much younger. I came to understand why it all happened, being they were poor teens in the deeply conservative south. My mother was swept away to a single expectant mothers home, so many in their lives never found out what happened, until I became known. We have a good relationship and I visit them, as well as adoptive family when back in the region.
I also developed a great relationship with my siblings, as we are all smart and driven. Until meeting them, the shocking similarities to my genetic family felt alien and even wrong in the context of my upbringing.
It has led me to believe a lot more in nature than nurture, though the experience of loss and alienation due to the adoption is an unshakeable weight in my life. Restless, uncomfortable, negative, angry, helpless, hopeless, and alone are my regular emotional states. Despite growing up comfortable, obtaining a terminal degree, and having a bit of professional success and recognition, I have lived hand to mouth, through many difficult times and situations.
I always have operated from survival, which has left me exhausted and hopeless. This has caused conflict in my relationships and employment situations over the years. I have also used and abused substances for most of my adult life though I am a little more balanced these days, and find responsible psychedelics helpful.
Channeling my restlessness into my work has proven helpful, though even that gets taken to an extreme…. I have had a few long term relationships, including being currently married and with her for 12 years. She has done her best to try and help me through this, and even led me to this deeper journey, though my inability to trust or have faith in the future has created a deep conflict. It has made me scrappy and a survivor, but also leads me to feel I am best alone, and that she will leave regardless.
I had found a therapist which specialized in this field, and it did help a bit, but due to finances, therapy is no longer an option.
I am currently in the position of possibly losing my wife and my way of life, and it feels completely unavoidable, and following that I will be alone until the end. The lack of agency in my life mirrors my initial experience, which has become even more concrete and self-enforced. It helps to know I am not the only one dealing with this, but it sure feels like a curse to bear. There is no doubt she wants people to look up to her, to be appreciated publically, so gets involved in a community activity where she gets in the local news a lot, On top of that she has had employment where people reply on her expertise so presumably makes her feel valued.
She did meet her birth mother before she passed some years ago and understands why she was adopted away- all positive- and has a half sibling from the birth mother who she relates to very well. It is as if she wants to be indispensible. It all does have the classic feel and the question for me is where I go from here as it is hard work nowadays.
I am glad I looked this up. I am an adoptive mother of an amazing 19 year old son. He has been ours since birth. My husband and I have seen all of these signs for many years, but have felt helpless in helping our adopted son get support. When he started high school he seemed to put up a wall. We have tried therapy — both family and individual, but that seems to make him feel worse. Because he has shown patterns of and spoken of not fitting in, not being good enough, not forming solid relationships, pushing people away, struggles in school in spite of having a very high IQ, substance abuse, lack of confidence, etc.
It is breaking our hearts that he is pushing us away, and appears to be on a path of self destruction. Please contact us through the contact page to learn more about the options and support available. Nice information, valuable and excellent design, as share good stuff with good ideas and concepts, lots of great information and inspiration, both of which I need, thanks to offering such helpful information here.
I am the grandmother of an 18 year old grandson. My husband and I adopted him when he was 7 yrs. At 14 he wanted to se his mother. We arranged this. He has always know his father. When he met his mother he wanted to go live with her. We allowed this. This is when all of his problems started. He attended a large high school while living with her.. In January of that school year he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks for depression and suicidal thoughts.
He came back to live with us and nothing we do or say helps him. He has gone back to live with his mother which is not a good environment for him to be in because this is where all of his problems started. He has anger problems, no motivation, very few friends, those he has are loosers, has trouble making friends and fitting in, feeling accepted. It is breaking our hearts that he is throwing his life away and he seems to be going down the wrong path. Can you recommend a psychologist in the Frankfort, Lexington or Louisville, KY area that is experienced in the treatment of these psychological effects of adoptees?
Also, what else can we do to help him? Thank you for any advice or help you can share with us. I would be willing to bring him to your office in Florida if you think it is necessary. I feel like going crazy after I found out my adoption paper.. I feel almost all these signs.. But, I found out about it all by myself while looking for other documents instead. I feel.. Lost, sad, mostly things unexplainable. Might need some time and maturity to accept the fact that I was adopted. So so happy that this research is being done.
I was adopted at age 2 and felt the rejection and isolation from it. I can say for myself, at age 56, I have established a firm identity for myself, finally. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work that you do to educate people about how to heal from the pitfalls of Adoption. It was reassuring to hear these serious symptoms laid out so clearly and that there is a reason for them.
I am a year-old female adoptee and was adopted through a privately-arranged adoption when I was 3 days old. My birth mother and adoptive mother went to the same gynecologist, and he arranged for the adoption. There are many other examples like this one. As I was trying to write my reply, I found myself reliving those experiences and feeling those painful feelings again, and it occurred to me to google adoptee trauma manifestations.
I had my first panic attack when I was 13 at a birth-control class and fainted from it. As a teen and continuing into adulthood, I have lacked a sense of self and have been plagued with deep fear from any criticism or perceived rejection.
As a teen, I learned how to chameleon very well, but I was an empty shell walking around. I have been constantly filled with shame—even over tiny things. I spent 10 days in the hospital due to severe anxiety when I was A counselor I saw said it was interesting how my anxiety was so closely related to a feeling of shame; she thought it was unusual. I began an SSRI recently for the first time, and it is helping. I feel for every one of you, and I hope we find that this organization might offer some online workshops and support groups.
Those of you who are in a really bad place right now, please reach out for help! I am now sixteen and living with my amazing adoptive parents. But I still feel something is missing my mother was the one who told me I was adopted when I was eight years old. To tell you the truth it hit my hard to the point where I just broke down on the spot from then on I just felt empty and really really depressed and curious.
Nov 18 What problems do adopted adults have? Among other things, they often suffer from: Feelings of loss and grief Problems with developing an identity Reduced self-esteem and self-confidence Increased risk of substance abuse Higher rates of mental health disorders, such as depression and PTSD. How To Cope With Being Adopted The first step to coping with being adopted is to recognize that the experience itself leaves residual problems. FocusedLum June 16, ZW January 2, Ross March 13, Kayy Marie April 2, Birdie April 10, Ian Forsyth May 17, Jay Bee October 18, Maureen Parker September 19, Lou December 8, Chris Potts July 16, Very interesting.
I became a solicitor in a top London firm. And set up my own law practice aged I hope you find this helpful in your studies. Jane Haugan October 27, John good July 17, April Sieracki December 16, Jayney July 23, Lina July 28, Hi Chris, Thought your comment was really interesting, especially about the part about being anti-authority!
Veronica August 4, Roger B October 30, JC Crutsinger August 10, It was, however, helpful to see, unfortunately, that other adoptees have had similar problems. Thanks, JC. Maria August 13, Pat Shepherd August 17, Mary B December 19, Lia August 19, Bella August 19, Heather August 20, Andrew Rosen September 2, Hi Heather, Please contact us through the contact page for the options and support available.
Mary September 8, Melissa P. September 18, Cynthia Trier December 23, Claudia August 22, Liv March 30, Darrin Beazley August 23, Davy August 23, Dianne September 24, River September 4, F Johnston September 6, David September 12, L A Anderson September 15, Maryann September 18, Blessings to you all!
Kathy November 23, Jodi September 19, Maya Duble September 24, Anonymous October 4, Kyle October 15, Kathy November 24, Michael King November 26, Channeling my restlessness into my work has proven helpful, though even that gets taken to an extreme… I have had a few long term relationships, including being currently married and with her for 12 years. Ian December 21, Sad Mom December 30, Andrew Rosen December 31, Hi, Please contact us through the contact page to learn more about the options and support available.
Andrew Rosen February 17, Hi Joy, Please contact us through the contact page to learn more about the options and support available. A February 5, Hi A, Please contact us through the contact page to learn more about the options and support available. Judi Beauford March 3, Fay March 27, Buddy Collins March 30,
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